RECONCILIATION IS BETTER
Conflicts often arise between men and women, sometimes to the extent that it seems the dispute may never be resolved. The Quran offers various types of guidance for such situations. In one place, it provides a principle that applies to all such cases: “If a woman fears ill-treatment or indifference on the part of her husband, it shall be no offence for her to seek a reconciliation, for reconciliation is best. But people are prone to selfish greed. If you do good and fear Him, surely God is aware of what you do.” (4:128)
Conflicts regularly arise in domestic life and within family relationships. Sometimes the dispute is purely emotional, while at other times it is over a real matter. At times, the woman believes the man is at fault; at other times, the man thinks the woman is in the wrong.
In such moments, there are generally two approaches: one, which the Quran describes as shuhh (selfish greed), and the other, (sulh) reconciliation. The psychological basis of each is entirely different—one is self-centered, and the other considers both sides.
When a man or woman is driven by selfish greed, they view the issue only from their own perspective. Their focus remains on defending their own emotions, preserving their interests, restoring their sense of dignity, or insisting on their demands. Such a mindset becomes narrowly self-focused and disconnected from the other party’s point of view. This attitude always escalates a conflict rather than resolving it.
The other approach is that of reconciliation—resolving matters while considering both sides, giving up something and gaining something, and seeking to reach a fair middle ground. This approach is rooted in sincerity and fairness. If the first approach stems from self-centeredness, the second is an expression of human empathy.
In this world, reconciliation is the only truly successful approach. If disputes can be resolved, they are resolved through reconciliation. On the other hand, selfishness only fuels further discord. It turns a manageable conflict into a full-blown crisis, often leading the selfish person to lose even the benefits they might have otherwise secured.
This contrast between selfishness and reconciliation is not limited to spousal matters. It applies to all types of disputes—whether they occur within a household or in broader social settings. The consistent historical experience is that no matter has ever been successfully resolved through selfishness. Resolution is always achieved through a spirit of compromise.
There is a psychological reality here: when you focus only on your own desires and insist solely on your own rights, the same attitude is likely to be mirrored by the other party. Your stubbornness breeds counter-stubbornness, further complicating the situation. But if you take a mutual approach and say, “I want peace and reconciliation. Let us both set aside our egos and resolve this together,” this conciliatory tone will awaken the conscience of the other party. They too will become willing to compromise, even if earlier they were insisting on their own demands.
Whether it’s a matter at home or in the wider society, whenever people—men and women—live together, disputes are bound to arise. In such moments, you should follow the Quran’s guidance by choosing a path of kindness and God-consciousness and bringing the matter to a close as swiftly as possible.
Selfishness pollutes the human soul. Reconciliation, on the other hand, lifts a person above meaningless conflict and allows them to live for higher values. Selfishness leads to ruin in both this world and the next. Reconciliation leads to success—here and in the Hereafter.
